I always wonder why so many persons after divorce jump into serious relations or get married quickly. I hear about people who just weeks after their divorce was final, declare their engagement and it’s baffling. But one of the main reasons people hurry into relations, I think I found out: fear of being alone after divorce.
Many persons who get divorced are so used to being married, that all they know is being with another. They’ve spent almost no time alone for so long that it’s almost better to be with the wrong person than to be alone.
I can tell you firsthand that it’s really frightening, isolating, and lonely to be alone after a divorce. It stinks, really. But you get a gift once you learn how to be happy being alone after divorce: an inspiring, autonomous feeling that brings reflection, calm, self-confidence, and self-love.
After a divorce, here are my tips on how to be alone:
1. Stop worrying about being alone:
“Am I going to be alone when I’m 70?” I used to ask my sister that question because I was constantly worried about being alone. I realized then who cares?? Now I’m alone. And so what? Before I was married, I was single, and I was happy with it. It’s time to get back into the attitude. Not to mention, you’ll never really be alone if you have children. And if you do not have kids, if you have family and friends who love you, you will never be alone.
2. Get a hobby or grow yours more:
My writing hobby became obsessed when I went through a divorce. I wrote about it each time I felt sad or depressed or angry or afraid. In 2 years, I ended up writing 3 novels. It was nuts! Yet, I see it as a positive thing. You will be satisfied and content, and too concentrated to care about the fact that you are alone. Dive into what you enjoy.
3. Try new things:
I’ve listed here in other posts, but I can’t resist talking about my dear friend who finds herself separated after 27 years of marriage, her ex madly in love with the woman for whom he left her. My friend had been falling apart for a while and then she had it all together. She’s been to Spain, Israel, Italy, France, and China, running a marathon and doing all sorts of fun stuff. She’s got so many caring friends and relatives, she can’t count all of them. She is single now. Ok and guess what? This is the very thing I asked her. “Do you ever feel alone?”Never.”Never.”Do you ever feel alone?
4. Never say no to plans: Scenario:
You’re not drawn to a guy asking you out so you’re declining. This is incorrect! What’s wrong with bringing a new friend here? This could lead to more friends, and another man, maybe. Plus, maybe he’s interesting or intelligent, or maybe he’ll show you something. Go go, go, go!! Also, there should not be “I’m too tired” in your vocabulary! The thing is you may not want to do anything that you were invited to go do, but you will never meet anyone staying home, so get out of your house!
5. Start getting people over:
Buy a few bottles of wine, some gourmet cheese, and crackers, pick up the phone and invite some girls over. You’d be shocked by how many people would be pleased to accept your invitation. Then start cooking a little bit after your first party. Your parties are becoming more and more elaborate and more entertaining. The hosts are happy humans!
6. Do your job better:
Remember the movie City Slickers? Billy Crystal hated his work and went on a journey to find himself at a cattle ranch. He ended up finding he didn’t need a new career, he was only going to do well with his job. If you want to be happier in life, make a little more effort at the workplace, (and therefore feel less alone). I’m not talking about turning into a working horse, but there’s nothing wrong with your job getting better at a time like this. Get into it will become fun, and you will end up enjoying going to work. You’re going to be too exhausted and concentrated to feel alone then.
7. Learn how to be alone in your house:
It was so hard for me to do this. If you’re going to have a day off, here are some things you can do. You can sit in a bath, watch a movie, in total silence read a good book, cook for yourself, clean a closet, garden, write in a journal, read a newspaper, cover it, call a girlfriend and be on the phone for hours, clean your closet. The list is infinite. Enjoy yourself! Don’t drink alcohol yourself, please. It really isn’t a good idea.
8. Go to the gym:
I would call my sister crying while I was going through a divorce (pretty much any other day) and she would say, ‘Go to the gym.’ Why? I would’ve asked. And you’re going to feel great, she will say. Go straight to the gym now and call me when you’re done.”Because you will feel better. Go directly to the gym now and call me when you are done.”
1. You burn calories and you’re safe.
2. You’re not alone because you’re surrounded by other people, whether you’re interacting with them right now.
3. Maybe you’ll run into someone you know. In fact, I’ve met so many wonderful people in my gym who I’m now socializing with outside the gym. Nothing negative will come from going to the fitness center! Only go there and walk on a treadmill if you absolutely don’t feel like working out. Something! Yeah, trust me, the gym is a nice spot!
In conclusion, I think the divorce rate for second marriages would be so much lower if people felt more relaxed being single, and dealt with feelings of isolation in a more constructive way. In other words, in order to stop being alone, people would not hurry into a bad situation. They would take their time to find the right guy, so there wouldn’t be the need not to be alone.
Uh, try it! There’s a real sense of pride after divorce that goes along with being alone for a while. If you enjoy the company of your own, others will too!